Ten Dead Comedians by Fred Van Lente

Author:Fred Van Lente
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Quirk Books
Published: 2017-07-11T04:00:00+00:00

“We Need to Talk”

You know what else I hate?

Yeah, there’s more than one thing. I know. I’m as shocked as you are. Yeah.

Actually, I do hate a lot of things. It’s true. My mother says it’s to keep more room in my heart for love.

(Beat)

God, I hate my mother.

But that’s not relevant to the current discussion.

And I have to warn you, when I tell you this, you’ll never get it out of your head. It’s like the video from The Ring. You’ll see it everywhere. It’s like a curse. Seriously. This happens in movies and TV all the time.

Like, I was watching this classic film, The Adventures of Cosmic Carson. Dustin Walker. Yeah. Anybody see it?

One…two of you?

Huh.

All three of us must have been on the same flight.

Anyway, in this movie, there’s this one person sitting in a room.

You know, like they do in movies.

And then another person comes into the room, and sits across from her, and says, “We need to talk.”

“We need to talk.”

I mean, is that line really necessary? When you need to talk to someone, you never go up to them and say, “We need to talk.”

Because, for one thing, by saying that four-word phrase, you’re already talking to them. So by making the statement “We need to talk,” you’re already doing the thing you’re declaring you need to do. You’re not even waiting for permission or acknowledgment from the other person. It’s a real microaggression. It’s like verbal mini-rape.

Yeah.

I know.

You don’t say, “We need to talk.” You just talk. Because you’re a real person. You’re not fictional.

At least, I hope you’re not.

Otherwise I’d be doing this show to an empty room.

And that would be weird.

(Beat)

I don’t understand what screenwriters are thinking. The first guy is already in a room eating a sandwich or examining the naked corpse on the slab or staring out through the bridge screen at the empty vastness of space.

You know, depending on what kind of movie it is.

So then the second guy comes in and says, “We need to talk.” Are we at home on the couch now supposed to be like, “Oooooh, talking. They let us know that’s gonna happen. In a fictional scene. Now I’m interested. I thought maybe they were going to play hacky sack for twenty-five minutes. But no, there’s going to be talking. Awesome sauce. Quick, bring Grandma in from the bathroom.

I don’t care if she is in mid-dump.

No. Get Bà Nôi off the toilet right now, I said. She specifically said to come get her the second any talking happens.”

“We need to talk.”

Really? Do you need to talk? Are you sure? Why? Is this like that movie Crank where you’ve been injected with some kind of poison that will kill you if your lips stop moving?

In kung-fu movies, two guys don’t come in and say, “We need to kick.”

In horror movies, the maniac in the mask doesn’t say, “We need to stab.”

In pornos they don’t say, “We need to screw.”

Well.

Maybe in some pornos they do.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the writing in porno movies is really bad.

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